Saturday, January 14, 2012

Broken But Hopeful

When we I started this blog, it was originally intended to be a way for us to share what is going on in our lives with whomever was interested in reading it. I'd always wanted to have a super successful blog that reached hundreds of thousands of people, but always thought our lives were a bit too ordinary to make an interesting read. Ordinary doesn't draw people to your website or make them buy your book. My original plan was to include pictures and stories along with the occasional recipe and decorating tip, but then I quickly learned how popular this approach is in the blog world and knew my blog would most likely never stand alone in this saturated market.

Most of the blogs that I read now are filled with posts about pregnancy, new babies and all of the joy that comes from them. It's a lot harder to find blogs about things that aren't happy and joyful- sickness, loss and grief. Maybe this is because people can't bring themselves to write about such things or maybe they think that people won't read it. Well, there is a topic that is quickly working its way to the surface of our blog that falls into the category of "things people never write about".

Miscarriage. Even the word just alludes pain and sadness. Last Wednesday, Dustin and I went through our second miscarriage in seven months. I was seven weeks pregnant. This time, we ended up having to go to the emergency room while we were out in Missouri at Dustin's annual K-Life conference. While the process was much different this time, most of the same emotions from June came flooding back. The hurt, sadness and pain that have been covered by God's grace and healing over the past six months suddenly stung like alcohol in an open wound all over again. However, this time, both Dustin and I began to notice a new emotion that really wasn't there last time. Anger. We were angry with God for choosing to bless us with a child at Christmas only to allow this to happen again. We were angry that it happened while we were out of town and had to go through it in a foreign hospital with doctors we'd just met. Most of all, we were angry because it seemed as if the restoration and hope we'd gained over the past six months had been ripped out from under us.

At first, I know we both felt guilty for being angry with God, but that was until we realized that the Bible is filled with hurt people who've cried out to God in anger. Even David, a man after God's own heart, said "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?" (Psalm 22:1). Those words were very real to us and could have been our own. Through the hurt and the anger, we were also reminded that "The righteous cry, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:17-18).

Most days, I try to focus on the latter- but those Psalm 22 moments when I feel like God is very far still surface from time to time even though my heart knows He's incredibly near. As I was typing this post, I considered changing the title of the blog... to what, I'm not sure... but "O Happy Day" hasn't really been the most accurate description of our life recently. Then, I was reminded that God never promised us that all of our days would be happy; he only promised us that we'd never have to face them alone. So because of this, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that our happiest days are still ahead of us. Someone told me recently that life is a package deal- you can't pick and choose the days that fill it. 

So while I will continue to post pictures, stories, recipes and decorating tips, I pray this blog can also be an encouragement to women who have gone through or are going through the same thing. I never really understood the heartbreak of miscarriage, because I used to think it was God's way of taking care of babies that were never meant to be. I now have an entirely different view and know that God has a plan for each little beating heart- no matter how long it beats. We know that our babies are now in Heaven and we'll ultimately see them again. Until that time, I pray that we can use the impact these precious little lives made to bring glory to their Maker.


  1. Stephanie, my heart aches for you as I read this post. I am so sorry for both of your losses. I don't think I ever fully healed from my miscarriage and I can't imagine the pain of having another one. I admire your courage for writing this, and your courage for admitting your anger with God; a very honest feeling that I believe most people go through when being faced with a situation like yours. I pray that you can find peace and still keep hope. As someone told me after my loss, if you want to be a parent bad enough, you will be. It may not be in the time or in the way that you thought, but you will be. Good luck, and just know you're not alone.

  2. My heart is broken for you guys. I'm so proud of you for being able to write your feelings in hopes of helping someone else. While you may have felt guilty for being angry with God, that is completely normal. We too were very angry with God when he took Kaitlin from us. We couldn't understand why he would do such a thing, we're good people. Being an ER nurse, I saw so many women who had too many children to even take care of, all with different daddy's, women who would find out they are pregnant in the ER then procede to talk about getting an abortion, or those who never chose to receive prenatal care and had healthy babies. I was very angry, I did everything right, why me? I soon learned the "why me?" would never be answered in this lifetime. I told myself I couldn't live my life being mad, angry, and depressed over something that couldn't be changed. We are no longer mad at God, we don't understand why she was taken, but we know he had a plan for her and we will see her again. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we dont' understand or know the reason. Have faith, hope and believe it will happen. Good luck to you guys, you are definitely not alone on this journey.

  3. I read your story and I am so sorry for what you are going through. We are going through some tough emotions right now in attempt to get pregnant. I got a diagnosis last week of anovulatory cycles caused by PCOS, and I hope that God is on His way to giving us more answers and a plan for getting through this. It's so easy right now to give up faith, but I have also been turning to the Psalm 34:17-18 verses for comfort. I am glad that you are sharing your story and I hope that is helps others who are going through this to keep faith. I hope that next time you get pregnant, you get to take that baby home.
    ~Erin Busch