January Fourth

When the word anniversary comes to mind, it usually brings happy thoughts. Flowers, fancy dinners and smiles. There are also anniversaries that some would like to forget, but have become such a part of you that they seem as inseparable as the air you breathe. Those are the anniversaries that feel more like scars than smiles. Today is one of those anniversaries. Two years ago today, we lost our second baby on what would have been the due date of our first. The painful irony in that never really seems to fade. Last year, it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and I spent most of the day reflecting on the transformation God had done in my heart since January 4th, 2012. We released two balloons in memory of our babies. Little did we know, they had a sibling that would join them just a couple months later.

This year; however, was different. It was not the first thing I thought of when I woke up- instead I crept silently downstairs to grab a cup of coffee before our sweet baby boy woke up. My day was spent shopping for groceries and diapers, folding laundry, sorting baby clothes and washing bottles. It didn't even dawn on me that today was January 4th until I was rocking Finn after feeding him and getting ready to put him to bed. Part of me felt guilty for forgetting and the other part felt guilty for remembering while our baby boy was asleep in my arms. It was then that I realized that whether or not I remember and reflect on each and every moment of that day two years ago doesn't matter. What matters is that God remembers. He remembers those moments even clearer than I do. When tears were streaming down our faces, His very heart was breaking with us. He carried us through it and brought us faithfully to the other side. He wants desperately for me to know that His love never failed. He was enough for me and will be enough for anything that I will continue to walk through.

So while the memories of January 4th, 2012 still ache as they come to the surface, God is using it to refine and redeem me- his very daughter. For those of you that have your own January 4th, know that God wants to use it for your good and for His glory. While it may hurt and the memories may sting, know that God remembers and His heart breaks with yours. Not because He is powerless, but because He knows it's not the end of your story and longs for you to see your joy come in the morning.

Mother's Day

I've had a different outlook on Mother's Day for the past two years. Mother's Day 2011, I was pregnant for the first time and bursting with joy. By Mother's Day 2012, I had two miscarriages and didn't really want to acknowledge the day. Four miscarriages later, here we are at Mother's Day 2013 and I have a bit of a different view.  It is a day to celebrate Mothers, each and every kind of mother. While I'm not up all night with round the clock feedings or chasing a toddler around the house, I have experienced some of the most real emotions that a mother can. Mother's Day this year also falls on our anniversary (and the husband's birthday). I got a necklace that serves as a visual representation of our story and also allows me to carry our little ones around with us at all times. The silver mom charm is self explanatory. I have three Heavenly babies waiting on me. The gold leaf charm is actually called the grow charm. This is because I am confident that God is still growing us and shaping us throughout all of this. The bird charm is because all of our babies left to be with their Heavenly Father. The cross serves as the reason we can still have hope. We serve a God who knows our pain and loves us through it. Because of the cross, we can rest assured that the best is yet to come and death truly has not won. Lastly, there are three little birthstones. January for baby 1, August for baby 2 and October for baby 3. I had a hard time deciding on whether I should get 3 or 4 given that medically, I've had four miscarriages. The third one was a chemical pregnancy at 4.5 weeks, so we never got an ultrasound, saw a heartbeat or had a due date. Because of this, I chose three. I may change my mind down the road, but this seemed right for now. I fully expect to get comments and questions about it from strangers who don't know our story and will ask me about my children. I haven't prepared the perfect response to give in the Publix checkout line or to well-intentioned coworkers, but will answer honestly as the questions come. While I don't have pictures of my kids on my phone or in my wallet (does anyone honestly still do that?), I can wear this and feel as though they are still a part of me.

All of the charms except the bird are from Stella and Dot. If you need a stylist, I can recommend Amanda Luton. She is a former coworker of mine and is the best :)

Update

So this post is really a continuation of this one. Really it's a continuation of the last two years and if you're new to the blog, I would suggest reading Our Story. A couple weeks after my surgery on March 4, I got a call from my doctor herself who told me that the genetic testing from this last pregnancy confirmed a genetic abnormality. Our next steps were to have a specific type of genetic testing called karyotyping done on both Dustin and me. This is where they look very closely at our chromosomes to see where exactly this genetic abnormality came from. We had blood drawn for that about a month ago and this morning, we had our appointment with a genetic counselor to go over the results. The result is that I am a balanced translocation carrier. This is where you'll need to put your thinking caps on and think way back to high school biology.

Typical functioning people are born with 46 chromosomes (23 from mom and 23 from dad). I have all 46 chromosomes, but they are arranged a little differently. This is something that was most likely inherited, but there is a chance it could've been de novo (not inherited). Basically, a piece of my #5 chromosome is attached to my #8 chromosome and a piece of my #8 chromosome is attached to #5. I've provided a picture for you visual learners.

I am considered a carrier, because I am completely normal (for the most part) and it does not affect my health at all. The problem occurs when my chromosomes are passed onto a baby. I have one normal #5 chromosome and one normal #8 chromosome in addition to the abnormal #5 and abnormal #8 (remember one #5 & #8 from mom and one #5 & #8 from dad). If the normal ones get selected for the baby, then we're fine and it would most likely be a healthy full term baby. If the abnormal ones (the multicolored ones above) get selected, it will result in miscarriage or severe birth defects if a baby did carry to term, because that would mean the baby has too much or too little genetic material. Here is a visual of the possible scenarios with just my chromosomes. Luckily, Dustin's tested normally. Consider the purple one chromosome #5 and the yellow one as chromosome #8.

So, what this really means is that by textbook definition a biological child of ours would have a 25% chance of having normal chromosomes, a 25% chance of being a balanced translocation carrier (like me) and a 50% chance of having unbalanced chromosomes.

Typically, someone with a balanced translocation will experience the following scenarios:
1. Infertility (meaning not able to even get pregnant at all). This is not our issue.
2. Recurrent miscarriage. This is where we are.
3. Live births. The chances of having a baby with a severe birth defect for us are approx. 2-4% given that my history shows that mine are more likely to miscarry if they are not healthy. In theory, the chances of having a healthy baby at some point are still roughly 50% depending on which chromosomes are selected.

So where does this leave us? Well... we could continue to try and get pregnant naturally, hoping that the baby would end up with either of the chromosomes at the end of the left arrow in the above picture. This would be a complete unknown until they could do some genetic testing in early pregnancy. Another option would be to do IVF with PGD (preimplantation genetic determination). Meaning, they would test all of the potential embryos before implantation to see which ones (if any) are healthy. This is really also an unknown, because there is no guarantee that any given cycle will produce any healthy embryos. Another option would be IVF using an egg donor or embryo adoption. Anyone that has done IVF knows very well that there are never any guarantees with it- even with healthy embryos.

This condition is something that affects approximately 1 in 1000 people (lucky me). Our genetic counselor is going to send our results along with a rough outline of our family history to a geneticist in New York who is going to take a closer look (hard to believe you can get much closer) and will tell us more specifically what our percentages look like instead of the textbook percentages (further miscarriages vs. healthy pregnancies). We could get these numbers in the next week or so.

Now that I've gotten all of the science out of the way and made your head hurt, here is also what I know. Our God is bigger than science. He is bigger than percentages and statistics. And He knew this about me from day 1. He knows what's behind us and also what is ahead. This certainly would not have been the road we would have chosen, but it's the one we've been given. We are (and have always been) trusting in Him each step of the way. We know that He has big plans for our family and will continue to remain faithful to this life He's called us to live.

Letter from dad

So although we I have had this blog for quite some time now, this is the first guest post from the husband. It's a sweet letter that he wrote from the waiting room while I was in surgery on March 4. He said this was the first time he really felt strongly about whether it was a boy or a girl.

While I (Dustin) sat in the waiting room listening to music on that Monday morning just a few short weeks ago, I pulled up the notes section on my phone and began writing a letter to our baby we were saying bye to, for now.  As David says in 2 Samuel 12 when he lost a child, "he will not return to me, I will go to him." Amidst an overwhelming rush of emotions, thoughts, prayers, and exhaustion - it's cool to reflect back on this 30 minutes or so and see how the Lord prompted me to do this.  I showed this note to Steph as we were at Hilton Head 2 weeks ago.  For me it has turned out to be one of the more therapeutic and soul healing exercises I have ever done.

Dear son,

Today is a special day, I'll get to that in a sec, but wanted to share with you how much you are loved by your Mom and I, the joy that you have brought us, the tears, but most importantly the true and comforting assurance that every parent wants to be able to rest in...that God has you.

My heart leaped when your Mom told me she was pregnant with you. We began praying for you immediately. Even in the night when you were pushing on Mommy's bladder and she got up to tinkle, we prayed.

In just a short life of 8 weeks you got to do some pretty cool things. Disney! Your two siblings that you'll be meeting and prob already have are gonna be way jealous. Your Mommy loves Disney, not as much as we love you but so much that she was content just being there walking around the parks with me and you, excited, knowing that even if she was suppose to sit out some of the rides that you were there with her. That was enough. Not many people get to go to Disney World and eat a Mickey ice cream, even better that it was on K-Life's first ever Mystery Trip. Again, sorry about how loud those teenagers were on the bus, your mom had to ask them to chill out a few times. She can be protective, but you already know that.

I'm learning that many parents, like us, try to keep their children from getting hurt, not that its a bad thing, just normal. But its inevitable. And sometimes parents measure themselves based on the lack of pain their kids have had to endure bc they've done a good job of dodging those "bullets". I guess since you'll never have to endure this world...in that perspective we are probably the best parents ever, right!? I'll assume you are nodding your head, "yes".

This world is so broken and messed up, its impossible to not encounter tough stuff, so you not ever having to endure this painful, diseased stricken, sinful world is pretty cool. You are pain free - chilling in Heaven with your two siblings and our Savior.

Although as the Bible says, that you (our child) are like arrows in the hands of a warrior (Psalm 127) I always pictured that coming to fruition and lived out when you were much older than 8 weeks. But you have brought a deeper meaning to those verses to us and our family in such a short time. Even though you are not here on Earth, you have become an "arrow" that we will continue to share with others and draw strength from through our God as we tell others about you. There's so many promises that I would love to be able to tell you and have come true in your life as you grow in our family, while that won't happen here on Earth - I know that as I type this...you are with the best promise ever, for eternity. And He, God, will get nothing but glory from your life and ours. We promise to fight for that. That's a promise we CAN make.

While I would have loved to rock you to sleep at 3am, see your first steps, be the stud on the soccer team and the star in the school play, see you go on your first date, graduate from Clemson (Tigers!) and see who you marry and spend the rest of your life with...I know you would experience pain & hurt from just being in this world...so as much as it hurts to not be able to see and experience the joys from all of that, I'm more thrilled and a bit jealous that you get to be with our Heavenly Father. As a parent it gives me so much joy knowing that you are right where you're suppose to be. Give your siblings a big hug from the two of us.

I told you today is a special day. Happy Birthday buddy, for your new life.

Love you always,

Daddy

To be continued

I strongly dislike those three words. In movies, TV shows, books..... it always means the same thing. You have to wait. Until the sequel comes out, until the next season begins or until the next book is written. When I see those three words, I feel stuck. Powerless in my ability to move forward and continue the story.

Recently, this is also how we've felt in our real life. Our friends and family already know this, but we found out on Feb. 28 that I'd had another miscarriage at 8 weeks. I haven't written about this topic in quite a while on here, mainly because there hasn't been much to write about. But here is how we got to this point.

After my second miscarriage in January 2012, we began to see a reproductive endocrinologist. She ran a panel of blood tests, testing for the most common causes of recurrent miscarriage. The results were pretty inconclusive. I did test positive for MTHFR, but I also tested negative for all of the clotting issues that usually come with that. Basically, 40% of women will test positive for MTHFR and never know it, because it typically will not cause any problems. Because of this, my doctor really does not believe this is the cause of the miscarriages. She started me on an extra 4mg of folic acid daily and as a precaution, she wanted me on blood thinners for any future pregnancies. So last Spring, with mostly good results, we were hopeful of what was to come.

After a couple months, I ended up with a positive pregnancy test in July 2012, but this ended up being a chemical pregnancy. Meaning, I went in for a blood test on a Monday and by Wednesday, my hcg level was already falling. This basically means I was about 4.5 weeks pregnant. Most women would not even realize they were pregnant and just chalk it up to a late period; but medically, it counts as a very early miscarriage. Because of this, my doctor wanted to be sure my body was producing enough hormones from the beginning of my cycle to sustain future pregnancies. The next time we began trying, Clomid would be added into the mix. Clomid is typically used to induce ovulation, but it also tricks your body into thinking your hormone levels are low so that it overcompensates by producing extra hormones- namely progesterone.

After July, we decided to take a break through the end of the year. I started Clomid in January 2013 and found out I was pregnant on January 29. At that point, my doctor started me on daily baby aspirin, progesterone and lovenox injections (self-administered) in addition to my normal prenatal vitamins and extra dose of folic acid. All of this was still basically precautionary, as my previous test results were negative. I had ultrasounds at 6wks and 7 wks. At both of which, we were able to hear and see a fairly strong heartbeat. Combine that with the fact that I felt different this time and I was on an army of meds, we were very hopeful. Over the past four weeks, I took care of myself, sat out the big rides in Disney World and anxiously began counting down to October 5th. It was at my 8 wk ultrasound on Feb. 28, that we learned our little one had joined his or her siblings in Heaven and I had my second D&C on March 4.

While the last couple of weeks have been hard, we have felt overwhelmingly loved by sweet friends and family in the form of texts, emails, meals delivered and our house cleaned while we were at the beach. We managed to escape to Hilton Head for four nights shortly after my surgery for some much-needed R&R.  Our immediate next steps are to wait on the results from the genetic testing of this pregnancy and then Dustin and I will have genetic testing done on ourselves. We hadn't done this before, because it will more than likely not find anything; but we're at that point now. Once we get those results, we'll need to start making decisions about how we want to proceed. If genetic test results are all negative, my doctor will most likely tell us that we can try again with the same combination of drugs, because pregnancy is really a numbers game and the numbers tell us that even most women who have had 4+ miscarriages for unknown reasons still have a 70% chance of carrying a healthy pregnancy in the future (which is about the same as someone who has never had a miscarriage). There are also some much more medically involved options that I will get into later if we start looking into them.

So here we are... with our story still to be continued. While it could be very easy for me to be angry with God and throw myself a never ending pity party, we are still choosing hope. Right now, neither of us has a strong desire for me to be pregnant anytime soon. We are praying about our next steps and ultimately still hopeful about what God has in store for our family. We know that He is so much bigger than we imagine Him to be and loves us immensely more than we realize. This breaks His heart as well and He has lavishly poured out His comfort and grace. We know that our babies are being cared for by their Heavenly Father and we will get to meet them one day. Until then, we are choosing to be faithful to this life He's called us to live and taking each step as it comes.

Twenty Thirteen

I prefer that to "two thousand thirteen". I'm honestly not sure which is correct... but either way, here we are. We rang in the New Year with a Clemson win at the Chick-fil-A Bowl against LSU.

We met up before the game with Dustin's brother and some of his friends for lunch.

This is how the husband expends his "pre-game" nerves.

Lastly, as I'm typing this-- it is January 4th and I am in Branson, MO at Dustin's annual K-Life Conference. I can't say that I have been looking forward to this trip, as the memories of last year still weigh heavily on our hearts. January 4, 2012 was our due date with our first baby and it was also on this date that we lost our second little one. If you are new to the blog, you can read more about our story here. So as I sit here one year later, there is a bittersweet mix of emotions. Yes, there is sadness and hurt as I think about what it was like the last time we were here or the thought that we'd be celebrating baby's first birthday. But there is also hope. I'm able to look back over the road we've traveled and see that God has been there all along. He has carried us, heard our cries and provided comfort. He knows our hearts better than we do and draws near to us with unfailing love.

This morning, we woke up early and released two balloons outside the hotel. To us, this symbolized our hearts going out to our babies. But it is also a reminder that our children are not ours to begin with-- whether they are here in our arms or with Jesus. We must hold them not with fists tightly closed, but with open hands-- knowing that they first belong to their Heavenly Father.  So... our dear babies- we miss you every day. We know there will be a day that we will finally get to meet you. Until that time, you have each other and our Heavenly Father. We love you very much. Love, Mom and Dad.

Weekend reflections

Why do bad things happen to good people? This is a question that circulates throughout the minds of everyone- especially with the events that unfolded on Friday. Honestly, I can't answer that. Part of me still struggles with this. Nobody will really know the answer this side of Heaven. We live in a broken, fallen world that is so full of heartbreak. But honestly, it always has been. If you look back in the Bible through both the Old and New Testaments, there are countless stories of men, women and societies that were subject to pain and brokenness. The Christmas story itself is tainted by the tragic killing of young boys in Bethlehem by King Herod (Matthew 2). God came in the midst of this pain to bring hope to hurting people.

Where was God in all of this? This is another question that is being asked by both Christians and non-Christians alike. The problem with this question is that it is mainly referring to the backpack God. The one that we only reach for when we need Him, but that we don't really look to as we go about our everyday lives. The God that people kick to the curb, but turn to Him the minute their lives veer offcourse or blame Him the minute tragedy strikes.This is the God that so many people shrink down to fit their expectations.

This is not the God we serve.

Our God is the God that will always leverage the pain we experience for His glory and redeems us through it. That is the essence of the Gospel. He knew that His own Son would experience the most unimaginable pain, yet it was through His suffering that we were redeemed. He knows our suffering and weeps with us (John 11)-- not because He is powerless like us, but because He is a Father that hurts when His own children hurt.

There are some extemists out there with the twisted view of Friday's tragedy being the direct result of taking God out of schools. Even though we have locked God out of schools, government, television and pretty much society as a whole-- God is not spiteful and it is grossly disrespectful to the families of the victims to think this way.

The question to ask is not "where was God in all of this?" but rather, "where is God in all of this?" The answer is the same as it's always been. He is here. He is present. He has arms to carry those that are unable to walk through this and ears to hear all of your frustration and sorrow. He loves us extravagantly and nothing can ever change that.

"If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture...

None of this phases us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Romans 8:27-39 (The Message)

The thrill of hope

I love Christmas music. Really I do. I'm one of those annoying people who will start listening to it in the beginning of November. My all time favorite Christmas carol is "O Holy Night". The beauty of the words and the truth behind them are so powerful.

"O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth
The thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
Fall on your knees

O hear the angel voices
O night divine
O night when Christ was born
O night divine
O night, O night divine

And in His Name, all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we
Let all within us praise his holy name
Christ is the Lord
Their name forever praise we

Noel, Noel
O night, O night Divine
Noel, Noel
O night, O night Divine
Noel, Noel
O night, O holy Divine"

Our Heavenly Father could have left us right where we were in our world of "sin and error" pining for something more. But He didn't. He came down and met us right where we were. He appeared and our souls finally felt their worth. We knew that we were created for a purpose and that purpose became clear when He loved us enough not to leave us on our own. Our church did a series entitled The Thrill of Hope several Christmases ago and I have been re-listening to them all over again. It is such a great series for Christmas and I would encourage you to check them out here.

The thrill of hope. I. love. these. words. It is because of Him that we can have hope. The past two years of our lives have been nothing like we would have ever planned. And if I am being 100% honest, hope isn't really the first word that comes to mind when I try to sum it all up. We first thought we'd be celebrating Christmas this year with with an active almost-one-year-old. Then plans changed and we thought we'd be celebrating with a four month old. Then plans changed again. The funny thing is that while both of these thoughts bring a lot of hurt; they don't take away the fact that we will still celebrate. While I could have every excuse in the world to throw myself a holiday pity party, I choose hope. We will celebrate the very fact that our Heavenly Father who knows the end of our story and every tear we cry along the way came down from above to meet us right where we are. In the middle of our sorrow and pain. It is because of this very fact that we can experience the thrill of hope. Hope in what is to come because of what has already been done for us. So this year, while we will not be celebrating baby's first Christmas, we will choose to celebrate hope knowing that our babies are having a far bigger Christmas celebration that we could ever plan.

And now I will leave you with a version of this song that will leave you smiling... if you're a child of the 90's...

Letter to new and pregnant moms

It seems that almost everyone around me these days is either pregnant or a new mom. With this, I have also noticed that many moms don't really know what to say or do around those of us who have struggled with infertility or experienced pregnancy loss. Let me just start out by saying that I'm not referring to anyone in particular, in fact, most of these come from things my friends have done right. This is just to serve as general guidance for new and pregnant moms that aren't really sure of the best things to say or do around friends or family members who are going through infertility or pregnancy loss.

1. We'll start from the beginning. We never want you to avoid sharing the excitement of your pregnancy news with us; we recognize more than anyone how much of a blessing pregnancy is and we want to celebrate that with you. However, it is usually best to do it in a one-on-one setting or a phone call if face to face can't be worked out. When you share it this way, it allows us to be excited with you, but honest in our emotions at the same time. When we receive this news with a group, we're usually trying to force some extra excitement to blend in with the crowd and suppress the honest feelings until a later time.

2. In our day to day conversations, don't avoid talking about your pregnancy or new baby. We truly value your friendship and are very much invested in your life, so we want to know about the excitement that comes with your pregnancy or new baby. However, it's best to save any complaining for other friends or family. We understand that pregnancy isn't always fun and that being a new mom isn't always easy, but realize that most of us would give our right arm to be facing those types of trials rather than the ones we've been dealt. After the past 14 months, I can honestly say that I would rather face 40 weeks of morning sickness or a year of sleepless nights.

3. Along that same line- while we want to know about your pregnancy or new baby, make sure the topic doesn't dominate our conversations. We know your pregnancy or new baby is your world, but try to talk about other things as well- work, family or even the latest episode of Bachelor Pad (not judging). Ask how we're doing... not incessantly, but it's great to open up the door in case we feel like talking.

4. Don't take it personally if we decline the invitation to your baby shower. While, we are happy to send a card and gift wishing you all the happiness in the world... sitting through a couple hours of baby-centered conversation really takes its toll.

Lastly, I know that motherhood isn't always sunshine and rainbows... but don't ever forget just how much of a blessing it is to be a mom. I know that somewhere between the pregnancy pains, swollen ankles, colicky nights, endless feedings and mind numbingly long car rides with a screaming baby it can be very easy to take for granted the life growing inside of you or that you're holding in your arms. I have no doubt that being a mom is the hardest job in the world, but know that there are so many of us out there that would trade places with you in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. In no way, do we want anyone to feel sorry for us or feel like you need to walk on egg shells; but rather offer sincere encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, fashion advice, a walking partner, an ice cream date and continue to be the the great friend you've always been. We know that when the Lord does decide to bless us with a healthy baby- you'll be the first one in line to celebrate with us.

I made it

I'm parking my golf cart, hanging up my name tag and charging my walkie-talkie until next year. I made it through my first summer with the title of "camp director". The days were hot and long and the nights were short and filled with 4am wake-up calls because kids were in need of meds. We had pool parties, a carnival, a scavenger hunt, a talent show and rounded out the week with a dance. There were screams coming from the giant swing, splashes coming from the pool and cheers coming from the dining hall. Aside from mealtime meds, 6am dialysis and a few wheelchairs- you would never know these kids are sick or only alive today because of a life-saving organ transplant. In my previous job, I saw our kids only when they were inpatient at their lowest low. Camp allows me to see them when they are living life to its fullest. It also serves as a reminder to myself in my own life. You see, it's very hard to have a pity party for yourself when I'm surrounded by kids with life-threatening illnesses and parents who see their children battle these diseases day in and day out when all they want to do is jump in the ring and fight for them. I see kids that have more medical knowledge than a second year med student and whose little bodies are pumped with hundreds of syllables of medication. Life is not fair and we were never promised that it would be. We were only promised that we wouldn't have to face it alone.  While we are still waiting for our joy to come in the morning, I can rest assured that we are one day closer today than we were yesterday. And while I know it's not going to be easy, I know it will be worth it.

I came across this devotional by Sarah Young on a friend's blog and the words provided much-needed nourishment to my soul:

"If you learn to trust Me - really trust Me - with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from My Peace. Everything you endure can be put to good use by allowing it to train you in trusting Me. This is how you foil the works of evil, growing in grace through the very adversity that was meant to harm you.

Beloved, it helps to have an eternal perspective. A large part of learning to trust Me is viewing your life through this big picture perspective. Your openness to accepting adversity as blessing shows that you are indeed learning to trust Me more. Your anticipation of good outcomes in the midst of hard times is a profound form of trust."

One Year Later

One year ago today, I was almost 13 weeks pregnant and we were on our way to my OB appointment. I imagined that by now our blog would be inundated with baby pictures as we lived life with an active six month old. My daily thoughts included what he or she would look like and what color to decorate the nursery. The only uncertainties that ever crossed my mind included choosing between the BOB or the Bumbleride and picking the right pediatrician. I imagined our summer beach trip involving a little less peace and quiet and a lot more luggage. I trusted God and knew that He was in control, but I don't think I recognized what it really meant to live that out.

Today, I have a different list of daily thoughts and nowhere on that list is finding the right shade of grey for nursery walls. The uncertainties that float around in my head have less to do with choosing a stroller and more to do with when God will choose to bless us with a healthy baby. You see, one year ago today when we saw the stillness of our little one on the ultrasound screen, God was really calling out to us to trust in Him at all times and know that He is fully in control all of the time.  I used to look at people who have gone through the most heartbreaking of trials and wondered "how do they even make it?" Today, after going through the loss of not one but two little ones, I know the answer. The fact that I have managed to put one foot in front of the other for the past year is not a reflection of my strength but my Creator's. His grace is truly sufficient and His power is the greatest when I am at my weakest (2 Cor. 12:9).

So while we don't yet have the perfect happy ending to our story- I don't doubt that it's there; we just haven't gotten to that page yet. In the mean time, we trust that God is still God and God is still good- always.

Our Kids

This is something that I have wanted to do for quite some time and I'm honestly not sure why we haven't done this sooner. I'm talking about sponsoring a child through Compassion International. It's no secret that Dustin and I have a huge heart for kids. You can just look at what we do for a living to see that. Compassion is probably the most respected international sponsorship ministry and it's been around for quite some time. If you're new to this concept, I would highly encourage you to visit their website. With a payment of $38/month, you can sponsor one child internationally and provide food, clothing, education, biblical teaching and healthcare all given in the name of Jesus. You can be a part of giving that child a future he or she would probably not have otherwise and show them that they are loved by someone thousands of miles away and most of all loved by their Heavenly Father. You are sent pictures of your child and become a pen pal. You can send birthday cards and Christmas cards and the kids will often write back as a part of the Compassion program. If you visit the website, and look at the faces of all these children it's hard to not want to sponsor all of them. I did the math and for a little over $70,000/month all 1,800 children can be sponsored. While we would love nothing more than to sponsor every single child, it's just not possible- but what is often spoken at our church, we wanted to do for one what we wish we could do for many.

 Like I said before, this is something I've always wanted to do and I really do not have a reason why we haven't done this sooner... until now. You see, we are approaching the one year mark since we lost our first baby. Last night, as we were looking through the faces of all of these children, we knew exactly what we wanted to do. We know that our sweet babies are with their Heavenly Father now so while we wish more than anything that they were both here with us, we wanted to choose two of His children to sponsor with birthdays on both of my due dates.

Meet Umwizerwa. 

She's 6 years old from Rwanda and her birthday is January 4.

Meet James. 

He's 5 years old from Kenya and his birthday is August 24.

They are now our "kids" overseas. Once we get our sponsorship packet in the mail, we'll be able to send them letters and cards. Maybe one day, we'll be able to plan a trip over to Africa where we can meet them both. If you are the least bit interested in sponsoring a child of your own, I would encourage you to go to their website and take a look. There are children all over the world that need a little love and would love to be chosen just as your Heavenly Father chose you.

"the question"

So I have discovered that there is a now a question that I dislike very much. It is generally brought up by well-intentioned people in casual conversation the first time I meet them. It's a question that I used to never think twice about, but I can't help but pause before I answer it now. Here is the question:

"Do you have any children?"

By itself it is an innocent question asked by people who mean no harm whatsoever. When Dustin and I first got married, I used to laugh when this was asked and usually give the response of "Oh no, not yet!" Now that we've been married almost five years, it comes up more frequently. What I really want to say is "I've got two in Heaven, but none here with me yet"... but seeing as how this question is usually asked by someone who's just met me within a short window of time, I take a deep breath and remind myself to smile before simply saying "No, not yet" as gracefully as I can.

Depending on the day I'm having, this question may not affect me much or it could cause me to burst into tears. In no way do I fault anyone who asks me this as it is a perfectly normal conversational question when you're getting to know someone. It's just another way I've discovered that miscarriage impacts you permanently- no matter how many you've had. I know that this is a part of our story that God is writing for us. We don't know how long this chapter will be- but we trust the One who knows the book by heart.

Dim the lights... Here's the results

Now that I have all of you that don't watch American Idol very confused... Here are my results from my follow up Dr. appointment yesterday. It went well and the Dr. said that everything looks mostly normal... my uterus is nicely shaped (thanks?), I had over 20 mature eggs for that cycle- which she said is really great... but in all honesty my problem has never been getting pregnant but rather staying pregnant. The blood work is what I was more concerned about. Those results came back pretty much normal with the exception of the test for MTHFR or Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase. We'll stick with calling it MTHFR. Basically, MTHFR is the name of a gene that produces an enzyme that aids in the absorption of folate (folic acid). It seems that I have a slight genetic mutation of this certain gene, therefore, my body doesn't absorb folic acid as it should. Is this the definite cause of both of my MC's? There's no way to really know for sure. Regardless, the solution is to take extra folic acid daily (not just during pregnancy). Going forward, I will take my regular prenatal vitamins and prescription folic acid daily. Once I get a positive pregnancy test, I'll add baby aspirin and prescription progesterone to that. She did give us the option of doing the more thorough genetic testing but that is quite expensive and would really only tell us the chances of having another MC. She said that because of our health and family history, we really only have a 2-3% chance of something being wrong genetically. So.. that's everything for now. This process has been longer than we'd ever imagined, but we know that the end result will be more than worth it. All parents love and appreciate their children, but I am fully confident that husband and I will not take a single second of being parents for granted. Thank you for joining us in this journey and for your continued prayers.

Something New

Yesterday was my last day in Volunteer Services at Children's and it was very bittersweet... but not for the reason I was anticipating. My day started by attending a memorial service for one of my favorite seven year olds. The service was at North Point and it was absolutely perfect. We were able to celebrate his short little life and rejoice in the fact that he is no longer restrained by his broken body and is able to run freely with Jesus.

While I knew that this would be an emotional service, I never anticipated how the Lord would use it to speak specifically to my heart as it is still healing from the loss of my own little ones. The past year of our lives has taken us down a road that we never thought we would have traveled. While there is a permanent place in my heart for our first two babies, I can rejoice that they are also with Jesus and I will get to meet them one day. I know that their brief lives are serving a greater purpose in Heaven than they would've if they were with us.

I start my new part-time schedule next week with mixed emotions. While I am excited about the thought of staying home more- I am also met with the thought that I would've been home with my sweet babies. Instead I am starting next week with the trust that God's plans are bigger than mine and the hope that our best days are ahead of us.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

I posted this last summer, but now when our sweet Creed lifts his hands, his Heavenly Father is there to pick him up.

Permission to speak freely?

I'm not sure where the phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle" came from. When people say it, I know they mean well- but if I'm being honest I think it's one of the most false statements I've ever heard. If it really was true that God was never going to give us more than we could handle on our own... why would we need Him? Why would He possibly want to keep our circumstances so easy that they drive us further into the self-sufficient mindset of "I think I'm alright on my own"? There's no glory to be found in that for Him.

It's no secret that I love awards shows- Grammy's, Emmy's, Oscars.. you name it, I'll watch it. I love how most celebrities will acknowledge God in their acceptance speeches (whether they really mean it or they just think it sounds good). If we're honest, I think that's how most of us want to bring glory to God. We want to be the ones holding up the Oscar saying "I want to thank God for blessing me with the talent and opportunity"... or Tebowing in the end zone. We want God to use our strengths to bring Him glory- not our weaknesses. We choose not to acknowledge the fact that sometimes God will allow such pain and heatbreak to enter our world so that all we have left is to cling to His promises and glorify Him in spite of it. Unfortunately, for us- we don't get to choose because nobody would sign up for that.

This past year, we were dealt astoundingly more than we could handle and I'm thankful we did not have to handle it on our own. Our God who allowed us to experience pain and who hurts when we hurt is the same God who will remain faithful in His promises. Because of this, we know that there is glory to be found in all circumstances if we continue to fix our eyes on Him.

Hope

I can only imagine what Mary, the mother of Jesus was going through 2,000 years ago. The world viewed him as a prophet and a healer. The disciples viewed him as their teacher and leader, but to Mary- he was her son. She probably took care of his splinters and skinned knees as a little boy and cooked for him when he was sick. Now, when He was hanging on a Roman cross while suffering the most unfathomable pain- there was nothing she could do about it but watch, pray and hope. Watch him die, pray for peace and hope that he was right and that she would see him again. Right then, she didn't witness the biggest miracle in mankind.... she was a mother that witnessed the death of her son. 

Mary's heart didn't have to be broken for too long even though three days probably felt like years. He was right and death could not hold Him. She did see Him again and so did the world. So does the world.  Easter isn't about celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus- it's about the hope that came with it. It's because of this hope that we know we can take God at His word and trust that He's with us through our darkest days while knowing that He is light.

This picture was taken at the top of the only mountain I've ever climbed at Frontier Ranch in CO.

Know my heart

Back in October, our church did a series called When God. I mentioned this on the blog back then, but I have recently listened to them all again over the past several weeks and they have continued to speak truth. In his second message titled When God is Uncooperative, Andy brings up many good points but there was one I thought was worth sharing on here. Now, hear me out and in the words of my friend, Heather, know my heart when I say this...

When something bad happens to you and it causes you to question God's love or maybe even lose your faith all together... this can be a very selfish way of thinking.

Now I know most of you are probably a bit offended like I was when I first heard Andy say this, but here's why...

Have you ever noticed that when bad things happen to other people... or maybe there is a natural disaster that kills thousands of people... it will make you sad... or maybe you will say "That is just awful, I will pray for you (them)"...  or maybe you will feel compelled to donate money or volunteer... but never once will it cause you to lose your faith or question God's love? But when something goes wrong in our own personal life and we feel as though the rug was ripped out from under us... suddenly, God seems non-existent and we feel as though He must not really love us or He wouldn't have allowed this pain and suffering. Why is it that when bad things happen to other people, we remember how big God is and trust that He ultimately has a plan through it all... but when bad things happen to us we suddenly shrink God down to our size and are unable to see outside of our own walls of grief?

When bad things happen, while it's ok to hurt, feel pain and ask God "why?"... never once should we question His love for us or feel as though He's left us on our own. The very fact that we can get up and take each day at a time is proof that His grace is sufficient even when we are at our weakest. The people whose stories I find most encouraging are not the ones that have the "why me" mentality when they face hard times, but rather the ones who say "why not me?" We shouldn't measure God's love for us by what He has done for us lately, but rather what He did on the cross.

Letter to Heaven

Recently, twelve of our patients were lucky enough to go on a trip called Bert's Big Adventure. This is a trip down to Disney World sponsored by a local morning radio show's foundation. For five days, these families get to forget about daily struggles with their children's illnesses and just be families in Disney World. On the last day of the trip, the parents are asked by the radio station to write a letter to their child describing how much he or she means to them and read it on the air. Each year, these letters are so touching and usually evoke some tears from anyone that has a heart, but this year- I felt myself listening from a different perspective.. which is that of a mom. While my children are not here with me,  I know they are with Jesus waiting on us together. I was originally going to write this in my journal, but after I've gotten so many responses to previous posts from readers who are going through or have gone through the same thing- I figured I would make it public in hopes that it would inspire others to do the same.

My sweet babies,

I know that we never got to meet, but that doesn't change the fact that you both are now a permanent part of our lives. I don't know if your nurseries would have been filled with ribbons and bows or trucks and dinosaurs- or perhaps one with each. I don't know if your hair is dark like mine or blonde like your dad's... or perhaps red. I don't know if you would've been good sleepers or up all night- if you are anything like your dad and me... I would bet on good sleepers. I don't know what your favorite foods would have been and what foods would have ended up sprayed on our faces. I don't know what our bedtime routine would have been or your favorites songs. I don't know if we would've visited the princesses or the pirates on our trips to Disney World. I don't know if all of our money and Saturdays would have been devoted to baseball, soccer, golf.. or perhaps dance and cheerleading. I don't know if you would've been punctual rule followers like me or spontaneous with a hunger for adventure like your dad. I don't know if you would've been good at math like your dad or good at history and english like me.  I don't know where you would've gone to school, but I know we would've wholeheartedly supported you... even if it wasn't Clemson (don't tell dad). I don't know if you would've been doctors, or teachers or climbed the corporate ladder... or perhaps gone into ministry. I don't know if you would've met the loves of your lives in college or church... or in high school like your dad and me.

There are a lot of things I don't know- but I can tell you what I do know. I know that you are loved. You've taught us just how big our God is and how He loves us right where we're at. You've taught us that we won't be perfect parents, but we'll be better parents because of both of you. I know not to sweat the small stuff- that it will be ok if our house is messy and loud because it will be full of life. When your younger siblings come along, we will know to not take one single second with them for granted- because we'll recognize just how big of a miracle they are. When we're sleep deprived because your brothers or sisters are crying all night- we'll look at each other and remember the road we've traveled and how extraordinarily grateful we are to have them in our arms. When they're old enough, we'll tell them about both of you and how they will get to meet you too one day.

There are a lot of things that I don't know- but I do know that our God is faithful and He will see us through this. He thought both of you would serve a greater purpose with Him than here with us. We know we will get to meet you one day. Until that time, we miss you more than you know and love you very much.

love, mom

Next Steps

Transparency. I have been very open and honest from the beginning on this blog and I hope I can continue to be as we go through this process. If you are a new reader, you can click here to read more about this. We saw a fertility specialist last week for a consultation. We both knew going into it that we can do all of the testing in the book and still end up right where we are now- with reasons unknown. The chances really are about 50/50 that they'll find a reason. The good news is that my doctor was very encouraging in saying that there is a very good chance of my next pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby. "My next pregnancy"- I don't take those words lightly. I know that getting pregnant is half the battle and there are millions of women out there that are struggling daily to even do that and my heart breaks for them.  I am very thankful that I am able to get pregnant. Our prayer is just that I will be able to stay pregnant. Even if we're not able to find a reason through the testing, she would like to treat my next pregnancy with baby aspirin (for possible clotting issue) and progesterone (to sustain a pregnancy early on) regardless, because there is no harm in doing so. That alone is reassuring to me, because it feels like a tangible step. Right now, that is what I need- something tangible, something that I feel I can control... even though I know full well that I am ultimately not in control.

So that is where we are right now. The testing will involve a lot of blood work, a high tech ultrasound and weeks of waiting. Waiting on results. Waiting to try again. Waiting on the God. This morning's devotional spoke directly to me as if it was sealed in an envelope with my name on it sitting in my mailbox.

"God's tender heart must often ache listening to our sad, complaining cries. Our weak, impatient hearts cry out because we fail to see through tear-blinded, short-sighted eyes that it is for our own sakes that He does not answer at all or that He answers in a way we believe is less than the best. In fact, the silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His words and may be a sign not of His disapproval but of His approval and His way of providing a deeper blessing for you." L.B. Cowman & Jim Reimann