Zero

The perfectionist in me never thought I would be so happy to receive a zero on a report. In some ways this summer has come and gone all too quickly, but in others it has dragged on much longer than I would have liked. It has been three months since we lost our "little buddy"and both heartbreak and healing present themselves daily in different ways. For the full story, you can refer back to this post. Shortly after my surgery, I learned that I had what was called a "partial molar pregnancy". I know to most people, this is something you've never heard of before; however, to my knowledge hungry-slightly hypochondriac self, this wasn't a new term. All pregnancy websites have a section on pregnancy loss where "molar pregnancies" are usually mentioned that I would read and think "how awful would that be..." Little did I know, this would quickly become my reality and a part of who I am. The short explanation is this:

Molar Pregnancy- A sperm fertilizes an "empty egg" that has no genetic material. Instead of a fetus, you end up with a growth of abnormal cells that form a cluster which your body treats like a pregnancy until it is detected by ultrasound. Once detected, it needs to be surgically removed (D&C) to ensure that the cells don't spread. Once removed, there is a very slight possibility that the abnormal cells can still remain and spread to other parts of your body and is treated like a very curable form of cancer. Because of this, your hCG level (pregnancy hormone) needs to be monitored to make sure it goes back down to zero. If it rises, it means there are still cells remaining and chemotherapy may be necessary.

Partial Molar Pregnancy- Two sperm fertilize one egg. Normally this ends up in identical twins, but when the egg doesn't divide properly- you end up with one baby that has 69 chromosomes that can only develop so far (in our case, we saw a heartbeat at 7 wks and my miscarriage was detected at 12 wks). Because there is still the presence of abnormal tissue in the placenta, treatment is the same as a complete molar pregnancy.

For a longer explanation, you can read about it here.

Basically, our little buddy that should have really been two little buddies never really had a chance from the beginning. As heartbreaking as this still is, it is reassuring to know that it was nothing to do with me physically but rather a random genetic malformation. The chances of miscarriage with any pregnancy are always around 20-25%, but the chances of this particular kind happening again are only about 1-2%.

This all means that for the past three months, I have been going to my doctor's office for almost weekly blood draws so they can monitor my hCG level. I found out Monday that it has finally reached zero. Praise. The. Lord. I know that any type of miscarriage is heartbreaking in its own way, but after going through this- I think this has to be the worst. When most women miscarry, it happens naturally and it only takes about a month or so for your body to get back to normal. They don't have to go to their OB weekly and see numerous, healthy, pregnant women and there is no risk of cancer developing.

Through this whole process, the Lord has shown Himself to both Dustin and me in ways we've never experienced before. Scripture tells us that "He will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain". I know that God weeps with me, but not because he is helpless like me- but because He knows I don't see the full picture and the great things to come. He is holding our little buddy and loving him or her better than we ever could. We are very thankful that this process is over and placing our hope in God for what is to come.