January Fourth

When the word anniversary comes to mind, it usually brings happy thoughts. Flowers, fancy dinners and smiles. There are also anniversaries that some would like to forget, but have become such a part of you that they seem as inseparable as the air you breathe. Those are the anniversaries that feel more like scars than smiles. Today is one of those anniversaries. Two years ago today, we lost our second baby on what would have been the due date of our first. The painful irony in that never really seems to fade. Last year, it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and I spent most of the day reflecting on the transformation God had done in my heart since January 4th, 2012. We released two balloons in memory of our babies. Little did we know, they had a sibling that would join them just a couple months later.

This year; however, was different. It was not the first thing I thought of when I woke up- instead I crept silently downstairs to grab a cup of coffee before our sweet baby boy woke up. My day was spent shopping for groceries and diapers, folding laundry, sorting baby clothes and washing bottles. It didn't even dawn on me that today was January 4th until I was rocking Finn after feeding him and getting ready to put him to bed. Part of me felt guilty for forgetting and the other part felt guilty for remembering while our baby boy was asleep in my arms. It was then that I realized that whether or not I remember and reflect on each and every moment of that day two years ago doesn't matter. What matters is that God remembers. He remembers those moments even clearer than I do. When tears were streaming down our faces, His very heart was breaking with us. He carried us through it and brought us faithfully to the other side. He wants desperately for me to know that His love never failed. He was enough for me and will be enough for anything that I will continue to walk through.

So while the memories of January 4th, 2012 still ache as they come to the surface, God is using it to refine and redeem me- his very daughter. For those of you that have your own January 4th, know that God wants to use it for your good and for His glory. While it may hurt and the memories may sting, know that God remembers and His heart breaks with yours. Not because He is powerless, but because He knows it's not the end of your story and longs for you to see your joy come in the morning.